our pregnant mommy

it maybe us.

and it maybe other girl who is ready.

its like having a ball which contain a meat.

its heavy.

and it kick!

be ready.

they will cry so loud.

and they will give us the heart.

our baby.

its you i see

NO! its not him.

its a figure of jealousy that u have see.

YES! i do.

i love you like its never end soon.

and bare that until it stick with you.

stay that way.

hold your feelings.

i know its not me you see now.

but i know it will.

my man.

tears

life was so complicated when we think that its easy to be understand. it is harsh, it is tough, it is full with emotion.you can choose your way, and plan so perfectly. but the thing is, you wont get anything that you deserve without a big try.

i cry when he leave. i cry when my dad shout hard to me. i cry when i see my mom cry. i cry when i heard my  sister tell me that they miss me. i cry when there are lots of problem in my mind. 

its a replacement of the bitterness. satisfaction for myself.

i just want my men back.

mentally riddle.

loosing one hand.

breathing with only one side of my lungs.

using 50% of my brain to think straight.

i'm hopeless.

cruel to say that i'm making myself a perfect toy.

cant blame the fast track time i'm walking on.

should run and find the things i aim for.

and bare the small things i wish to had.

live a life.

black rose

climb high towards the mountain.
just want to run away from the sickness. the worst sickness u cant imagine.
i'm tired for being a freak. .a toy. . human trash. .
i don't want to have a heart.
just take it away from me.
i don't want to be that good girl. pleasuring everybody.
i want you. you don't want me. so i don't want anybody.
sex bind you tight. and now i face the rash.

YOU

kiss ur eyes twice. my heart shake hard. i miss you.
staring at your finger. im bargain for help. coz i want to see your face.
miss your smell. miss your smile. miss that eyes.
hold my hair, and its like holding yours. im freakin mad. coz i thought its true.
im screaming for help when you are not around.
slapping my face with my own hand when im dreaming of u too much.
i cant think right when i see you smile.
i love you baby.

hug n kisses,

255am 20th of march 2011
im crazy. and it turn to be worst. stand by me. i miss you

i dont understand

confront a deff customer. asking for several movies playing by moving her hand up and down. pointing at the poster on my back and asking what the time[ yup, several sign that she show me r easy to guest ]. yes i am, using the same stupid sign which i create to tell them the time, which movies, asking wether its ok or not, without opening my mouth. superb. . saving 2% of my voice. .silly. .
my mood are swing like hell today. i hate every face that comes infront of me and asking and questioning me the same things every 5minutes. .shit. .felt like to scream and punch them on their face. . !! grrr~

then i saw a baby, which i wave my hand to her and move my finger like 'bubbye hye' sign. then she raise her hand and do the same. .super cute. . :)

i text him today and he didnt reply. then i call, and heard his unhappy voice like he dont want to receive any calls or text from me. i dont know why he hate me so much. i dont understand. he talk to me like he usually do, but i know he just want to say bye and hung up on me. i'm just missing you love. so much. i really care what are happening surround you. i want to know everythg.
i know you are happy having friends, girlfriends, bestfriends. .i dont want to swing your mood. .i dont want you to be sad. . . only god knows. .
if only i can frame ur pic in my room which i can see it everyday, im going too blind later on. .crying all day long,everyday. .again, i miss you love. .
im sorry guys coz writing so much about my feelings here today in this post. .im just so broken hearted. .
i really2 lost my heart. i dont knw where it go. .maybe after 1 or 2 years, i will find it back. .

[to the peeps who in a relationship]; work hard to hold it strong.
[in relationship --> single]              ; stay strong. think of yourself. be indipendent hearted person. you'll survive.

hug n kisses!

13th feb 2011, 5am
i'll be here if u need me. .

when i'm sad

i've found the best place. emotionaly. . a lake. .
since i live near to it, i recently spending my time there thinking about lots of things.
just shut my phone off and seat there as long as i want.
my friend,naim, who introduced me to the place. he said that when he have something to talk with her gf, he'll come there. the best place on earth i could say.
it'll looks so moderate at daylight, and turn to be the best when night comes. the light, the swan. yeah,the swan. two couples of swan. the black and the white one. seeing the swan do knock me with the emotion. both are swimming and following each other. how i wish to be the swan at that time.
i have immoral lots of water lake and i confirm it was not just the rain. crying a lot there actually. haha. .
when i'm sad, i'll be there. .

hug n kisses!!

the light view from the building across the lake  :)

and this is my fat ugly feet!!



3.25am 28th february 2011
i should listen to my heart. since mine still stuck at the same place,it wont go anywhere-promise

if you understand

let say,your mom ask you to be a teacher. would you ask why?my mom always say that being a teacher will help you to understand people in and out.because you are like spending half of the day with the same person.the concept is regularly can be used in the family.but the feeling of being connected are more stronger and longlasting.i love my family.i have the best mom.a dad who understand.three sisters who love me so much.i would die if they were not around.i miss them so much right now.
my second sis,aza,got 3.2 in her stpm. i called her and she was so happy. i love her.
the third one always chat and giving me comments in my facebook wall. damn i miss her.
the last one keep texting me and asking me when will i go back and see her.and not forget to ask me to buy 7E slurpy drinks and waffle for her each time i go back. she's 14,but still looks like a baby to me.
having them is a bless.thank you god. .
i have my study to work on. i have another 1 year to complete it.pray for me peeps.
i'm going to turn to 23,and the age will keep moving.
thinking to take 'kursus kahwin' already.haha.jokes.
my married plan start only when i'm 26.it is just a plan.i'm not telling you that i'll be a wife already on that age.
it is just a plan.who knows what will happen.
my friend, amsyar, said ' u'll too busy to have a commitment when you are in the working mode '
and i'm agree.
i'm still a kid. crying so hard when he leave me.and i do everynite when i miss him.
still cant guess on what age i'll be stable delivering all the emotions. and i'll be ready when i do.
i'm not that kind of hu ha girl.dont have the character.
i'm not the one who like to do the funny face.sometimes i did.
i'm so damn nervous when i'm driving(manually)
i dont know how to do the cute voice.
i'm just a regular boring girl.
i'm a dove,easy to fall in love.but when i did,i just love you.the only one.
if you understand

hug n kisses!

its okey if u want to stop talking to me.i know im just a regular girl.

in my shoes

talking about shoes, i'm actually a shoe addictor!!
looking through the shop glass are so making me excitedly crazy. my shoes's size??
u can guess :)
but actually, this is not about shoes.
there's a friend of mine telling me that knowing people for years are better than knowing a person in a short time. badly,its so true!!
my friend,ieqa,have been in the relationship with her bf for 6 years. wht she have told me, 'we're like needing each other.no matter on what case.choosing clothes,menu,do a decision n etc. we do it together. he have become more open towards his true character,but then i can accept it.because its him '
love on the first sight. do u believe it? some people do. some people not. i believe it also. BUT, its okey if u just like the person. take time to know him/her. because if u are rushing, there is a bad things waiting. u should be in my shoes. then u'll know.
get it???oke. . .good. . .
since my last break up, and since we becomes friend. i know the pro and contrast. who he is. what he's favourite thing. what type of person he is.
so start ur relation with a friend's relation. .take time. .slowly. .it will give you the best benefit. .

hug n kisses!!

3.08am 24 february 2011
what are you??

complicated aim

Times go by.without noticing where we stand.girls turn to be women, guys being a man.everybody lift up life with a high aim in their head.
I have mine.hee!
So do you.
What do you want actually?could you tell? ? :)
Not everythg we can see and achieve,in a simple way ryte.but remember, hold it in your hand with no regret. .
Hug n kisses!

12.26am 21 feb 2011
I wont miss you again.

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listen is enough

phieuwww. .almost 10days i'm not updating anything in this blog.so busy with the test and work.but lots of things running in my mind recently.since the 1st story blog that i have write,its already 15days.being single actually.haha.damn it. .
in this partial of time,u will realize that you really need somebody to talk with.filling the time.syukur, i have friends,girlfriends and boyfriends.listen is enough.
texting and talking to them really help to enclose our relationship.
btw, i have two test tomorrow.sigh!haha. .what to do.student compulsory thingy ryte?
actually,before i'm busy with the work and class,i've join my friend to do some photoshoots.its really fun,seriously!!
thinking to do another photoshoot with my buddies this march.searching for white modern wedding dress.
with a creepy scenery,red cherry lipstick,very dark look eye shadow.cant wait!
i will update the pics here for you. no worries!!hee. .
see you at the next blog guys!hugs n kisses. .

freedom is about giving chances and choices

a nice evening chat with my leadership professor giving me a thousand of view. she said that freedom is about giving chances and choices(C&C). we need to fight for having the C&C to gain the freedom. while i'm given the freedom, so it's mean i have been given the C&C. it's my decision now to decide where and what i should put my life track on. either onwards or backwards. but hey, onwards of course guys!

life that we have left are should be left out. maybe as a references for us in the future. our relationship, our study, our social lifestyle which gives us a lot of positive and negative impact in our value of life. she also said that if we do not change, it means we do not learn at all. so learn from your mistakes guys, because it do help you to improve everything that you lack at. so good luck! ;)

3am 8th February 2011

u have start forgetting me love. so then i need to be strong. I.L.Y.

risk and selfishness

just now im having a late dinner with my housemate. we were both talking about our relationship. girls talk :P
it seems that we've been in the same situation. we share a little bit and make some wrap about what actually happen to us. we do have lots of common. a break up thingy! we both asked ourself what actually force our guy to make that kind of decision. selfishness. for us, it is so easy for them to say goodbye eventhough it is hard to say,but they did say it with no doubt at all. i believe that they were strong hearted but at the same time build up a kind of selfishness inside themselves. 'why now?' . thats the exact word that both of us have ask to our love one. and as hearing the answer, a thousand of cry came out .
i've left lots of things, my life. i can live without it as long he is around. texting and calling me is just enough. no need for a fancy dinner, a holiday vacation, an expensive present. im a simple person. i appreciate everythg that he did for me.
guys love freedom, his world and life, something that he work on that would be his first, and his family.
maybe one thing that they should know. everythg have their own risk. every decision including being in a relationship got their own thing that we need to deal with. so dont make the decision without thinking.

12.20am 7th february 2011
be what you are.prove everythg that you have said to me love. I.L.Y.

when both are ready

as we grow older, certain things have force us to become more matured and indipendent right away. lots of things i can tell. but it depends on you,yourself. it do takes time, because certain people are more comfortable living in their own world, like we were kids. we create and we live as happy as we wanted it to be. when it comes to relationship, wether it is serious or not serious, we must think!it must happen when both are ready. do you CLEAR on what i'm saying?. . . . .cool. . . . :)
lots and lots of problem will occur directly WHEN YOU ARE NOT READY. but for myself, i'm cool. i'm 23 this year. having my 1st relationship when i'm 16, and my last one is this year. back to normal( which i hate the most). so guys, dont stop doing it. its a normal thing if we end with a break up thingy. you should work hard to improve what you lack at. trust yourself!! :)

9.57pm 5th february 2011
i miss you too love. I.L.Y.

oh dear curry

bare foot searching for curry leaves. mom wish to eat chicken curry today for lunch. but actually, when it comes towards cooking curry, im failed! so then mom is the pilot,and im the co today. and all are working just fine. love you mom! i wonder if i can cook 'masak kurma'. .piece :) mom!!!
btw, because of sleeping at 6am this morning and awake at 7.30am makes me 'lemau' a little bit. too eager writing this blog of course. crazy. . :)
oh yes, i heard my mom mumbling to my grandma and said 'biar je mak ira masak,nnti lama2 sume pandai', and then i shout from the kitchen 'ira tau masaklaa'. then she laugh so loud. .ergh~ :)


3.02pm 4th feb 2011
'morning love'. .i wish i could text this everyday and i will. I.L.Y.

dear love,

currently at batu pahat. seeing my mom,my dad n my sister quite chilling me down a little bit. urghhh. .im freezing. .

 

dear love,how can i help myself if this things keep hunting me around. people would say 'u r strong,u'll make it', or some people would say 'just let go,what done is done'. . god. . .i really cant live without you. .i keep pointing my fingers to my head and say STOP.but it didnt work at all. i'll cry once your face glare in my mind. no one would call me 'moo' anymore. and i dont have anyone to be called 'boo'. i miss our moment together.I.L.Y.

i hope i wont,but it did

apparently,since that 2nd february 2011, i've noticed that i need to deal with this things soon or later. yes and yes, i've face this before, but it do hurt me somehow inside and out. im so weak when it comes to my heart. i could tell that it kinda sound like a curse because nobody want to experience this thing. i hope i wont,but it did. everybody appreciate love, and i trust that you out there are also agree with me. being in love would make us smile with no reason and cheerfull as we can be. honestly, i love him with all my heart, it maybe just i'm acting so childish and too caring(i mean too caring seriously) that make he felt this way. feel like crying now. .gosh. .a moment pls. . . .sorry. . .
im not a good actress, because when it comes towards expressing my feelings, i'll start crying so hard. i just hate to hear he say 'u'll going to be ok without me'. its not that easy. . when i start to be serious in the relationship, honestly i wont be ashamed to admit that i have a bf. some people didnt share their status. some people did. for me, a relationship will somehow teach you how to deal with something new to you. from my experience,it really did. as my advice, be the best for your mate. appreciate him/her, spend time for a while for atleast to share your things and also he/her things, dont ever cheat, dont make him/her stress, learn to hear what your mate always wanted and be as close as u can especially in your heart.
12.38am 4/02/11
reading through his blog just now. i never realized he's in this curb so long. how do i wish he tell this thing earlier and things wont end this way. I.L.Y